crazy rich rat king

"“Mine All Mine” Rat King Blanket

The cozy, fleece-lined embodiment of trust issues.

Let’s stop pretending you were ever going to share a blanket. You’re here because deep down (or, let’s be honest, very close to the surface), you’re a greedy little gremlin, and you want the world to know it. Or at least your household. Possibly your cat. And now, thanks to the “Mine All Mine” Rat King Blanket, you can wrap yourself in soft fabric and blatant emotional instability all at once.

Featured prominently on this high-quality rectangle of “please don’t touch me” is a single rat—yes, just one. Because teamwork is for suckers. This lone rat is screaming atop an unnecessarily large pile of gold like he just invented the concept of ownership and immediately let it go to his head. He has a crown (of course), zero composure, and absolutely no chill. Much like you when someone touches your fries.

And the gold? Not yours. Don’t even look at it. He’ll know. He always knows.

🐀 Blanket Highlights:

Fabric so soft, it almost compensates for your personality.

This fleece is aggressively cozy. It's like being swaddled in the empty promises of capitalism, but warm.

Art that screams. Literally.

The rat is mid-meltdown. His pupils are dilated. He’s gripping that gold like it's the last bag of chips on Earth. You can practically hear him shriek “MINE!!” every time you move it.

Machine washable, unlike your reputation.

Toss it in the wash when it starts to smell like betrayal, loneliness, or that one ex who still thinks they might get it back.

Perfect for claiming emotional territory.

Couch, bed, car rides, passive-aggressive work naps—this blanket says “this space is mine” so you don’t have to. (But also, you still will.)

🐀 Use Cases:

Wrapping yourself in denial and self-importance

Dramatically yanking it away from anyone who gets too comfortable

Replacing human intimacy with fleece and rage

Watching nature documentaries and rooting for the predator

Snacking alone and feeling justified about it

Who is this blanket not for?

People with “live laugh love” signs in their living room

Anyone who calls a group of rats a “problem” instead of a “community”

People who think sharing is cute (ew)

The emotionally well-adjusted

(Completely fictional, absolutely accurate reviews):

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “10/10. I hiss at anyone who touches it. Including my therapist.”

⭐⭐⭐⭐ “My boyfriend asked what the rat was yelling about. Now he’s my ex.”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “I wrapped up in this and suddenly stopped answering texts. Coincidence? Doubt it.”

Bonus Details:

Comes with zero emotional support. That’s your problem.

May encourage unhealthy attachment. And by may, we mean absolutely will.

Looks amazing draped over furniture you don’t want guests to sit on.

Could technically be called art, if you say it with enough sarcasm.

Final Statement (Because Calling It a Summary Feels Too Generous):

The “Mine All Mine” Rat King Blanket is not for the faint of heart. It’s for the over-caffeinated, the overwhelmed, the gold-hoarding chaos gremlins who have long since abandoned the concept of “personal growth” in favor of “personal space.”

You don’t need this blanket.

You just want it.

And the rat? He understands.

He sees you.

He judges you.

And he welcomes you to the kingdom.

Just don’t touch his gold.

Or his blanket.

Or anything, really."